More about which to get depressed.

Ostracize the victim.
The next week I met with Ed and we talked for over an hour about his philosophy on management and the direction he thought his new research area should take. After he was finished I started to leave his office and was just about out the door when Ed stopped me.

"Russ, I'll be back in touch with you," and he winked. "You know we do have a management position open."

I left feeling his parting comment was meant to raise my hopes about the management position. About a week went by and I did not see or hear from Ed. Then one day as I went to check my mail, I ran into Ed. As we entered the secretarial room I said "Hi Ed." Ed said nothing and ignored me and refused to acknowledge my presence. As we went to the mail boxes, I repeated my greeting. Again he ignored me and refused to acknowledge my presence. As he started to leave his office, I stepped into his path, forcing him to stop. "Hi Ed!" I said challengingly. He refused to even look up at me. He stepped sideways and walked out of the office. I was furious. I remembered how upset Osama had gotten when I only had given a faint acknowledgement of his presence. Now Ed's actions were outrageous and I was mad.

Ed's failure to acknowledge me somehow made me aware of the fact that none of the secretaries acknowledged me either. I noticed when other people walked into the secretarial pool office, the secretaries would exchange pleasantries and strike up conversations. However, when I walded in, they avoided me. I thought about it for a moment and then dismissed it as a result of my being too suspicious.

I probably would have forgotten all about it except a couple of days later I was walking down the hallway when I passed on of the secretaries. She gave me a big smile and said "hi". I couldn't help but notice the difference in her behavior. That day when I walked in the secretarial pool, all the sectretaries said hello and were friendly. It was if their change in behavior had been done on cue, and it emphasized how much I had been avoided the previous couple of weeks. Over a period of time the secretaries had slowly avoided me and I was hardly aware of the change, but the sudden sharp reversal in behavior made the difference very noticeable. It seemed unbelievable that "they" would orchestrate such actions, but the changes in behavior were too deliberate and abrupt to be normal. It was a repeat scenarios of the behavior changes that had been orchestrated at Gamma Supplies and it was all designed to create confusion in my mind and to make me sound crazy if I told someone what was being done.

Later on in these posts, I will relate repeated incidences of theft that on the surface would sound like the rantings of a crazy person unless you know the powerful psychological effects behind the sick actions. The above actions by the people around me also were designed to create powerful psychological reactions. The really sick thing about my tormenters is that they believe because they had a "reason" and "purpose" for what they were doing that it made them "sane". In fact, psychopaths and sociopaths always believe that what they do is rational and for a good purpose. They never consider their actions or themselves to be demented.

Mind contol through suggestion.(Mental torture)
The suggestions that I would become a manager were becoming more and more bazzar. My mail almost daily contained something dealing with executive items such as notepads, record books or briefcases. The sudden influx of such junk mail at the time when there was a management opening seemed too coincidental, but I couldn't accept the fact that someone would make such an effort to drive me crazy. The sudden influx of executive materials was similar to when I was appointed Assistant Professor at the U. of Florida. At that time I became inundated with free books and all sorts of instructor teaching aids. The difference was that the teaching aids and book offers corresponded to my actually being appointed Assistant Professor.

However absurd, the suggestions kept on coming that I was going to be a manager. One morning I came into my office and found a security violation notice on a a file cabinet. Security personnel would routinely check offices at night to make sure everything was locked. If a violation was found, they left you a notice of the security violation and then they would send a copy to your manager. In this instance, both the employees copy and the manager's copy were left on the cabinet. My first thought was that it was another subtle suggestion about the management job, but then the more I thought about it the more I rationalized that the security guard probably inadvertently left me the manager's copy.

Three days later I walked into my office and found my new office partner loudly complaining about a security violation he had just received. The violation notice had been marked "desk open", but the actual violation had been my file cabinet which had been unlocked again.

"Did they leave you the manager's copy?" I asked.

"No, but I'm going to try to get this changed because it is your violation", my office partner replied.

"Oh, if you do that, that will be the second security violation for me this week. I don't understand it. I could have sworn I locked that file cabinet last night." I said in a pleading voice.

In my confused state I really wasn't that positive, but the two violations in three days seemed strange. I sat down at my desk, unlocked it, and opened the top right drawer to get some papers on which to work. There, laying on the top of everything was the MANAGER'S COPY of my office partner's security violation! I started to cry. I couldn't even begin to figure how "they" had coordinated everything, but my receiving the manager's copy was no accident. The effect on me was devastating.

NOTE: Most amerikans have no idea how mind control works, but an essential element is that the victims continually hear the same message over and over again in different forms. The mantra is repeated incessantly until the victims believe what they are being told and accept it as "truth". One of those mantras heard by the general public is that "reducing taxes", especially on the wealthy, is a cure for all sorts of economic and political problems. That is all the public ever hears and many people automatically just accept it as a "truth". There is no thought involved.
In my case, I was continually being told I was going to be made a manager by suggestion(another key element of mind control)in an effort to get me to believe it. Then when I wasn't made manager, I could be told I was crazy for thinking I was going to be made a manager. It was a constant mind game to drive me permanently insane.

Depression follows constant harassment.
One of the things that always bothered me about my captors and tormentors is that like Darth Korey, these people really believed that they were geniuses, and superior people to the common workers like me. In reality, what they were doing to me with their mind games in their effort to make me crazy was really no different than what you might see in some B movie where the relatives of a rich aunt try to drive her crazy by arrangeing events in her life. You know, the scene where the aunt walks in a room and sees a body hanging from the chandilier. She then runs screaming from the room to get help and when she returns with witnesses, the body is gone! Then the people around her tell how sick she is and that she needs help and should be confined to a hospitial. Eventually, the rich aunt starts to believe that there is something wrong with her and that she needs help. The whole idea of driving me crazy was not very original and only required my inprisonment to carry out the scheme.

Back to my story:

I continued to get more and more depressed and I felt less and less anxious about events. I felt I had been terrorized so much that my body no longer reacted to the external stimulus and threats in a defensive manner, but rather everything just caused me to become more depressed. As an example, one evening I was running around our housing development for exercise when a large black dog came out of nowhere and ran straight at me with its teeth showing and barking loudly. I came to a slow stop and stared at the dog who quickly retreated and then I continued on my way. As I continued on my way, I realized that the dog attack had not caused any reaction in me. I had felt no fear, no adrenalin rush and no I had no made any attempt to protect myself. I was just dead inside! Maybe my total lack of fear is why the dog cut off its attack so quickly.

In late October Dr. Iron finally prescribed an antidepressant. When he gave me the prescription, I remarked that he had waited so long that I was so depressed I didn't think the pills would do any good. He gave me some lame excuse for not giving the pills earlier, but in reality he had no good reason for waiting so long. My unhappiness over the inability to get proper treatment was slowly turning into hostility and I was beginning to express my anger toward Dr. Iron. I would have readily found a new doctor if I thought it would have done any good, but I knew the Nazi government controlled everything and the results would be the same regardless of who the doctor was. (I will relate later an incident which clearly demonstrates the extent to which the Nazi goverment monitored and controlled everything in my life).

As soon as I went on the antidepressants, the level of harassment went down at work, and natually my spirits picked up a little. Dr. Iron used my slight improvement as proof that the medication was helping treat my "illness". I was convinced that I was merely reponding to my environment, and that if the level of harassment increased again, my condition would deteriorate again. (Being a scientist, I later devised an experiment that demonstrated that my version of events was correct.) About two weeks later the level of harassment at work did pick up, and I became deeply depressed. Dr. Iron in response to my increasedf depression concluded he had used the wrong antidepressant.

A trip to a gestap agency - The FBI
In early November I came to the conclusion that "they" were never going to stop terrorizing me, and I had to do something or I was going to die. I decided to go to the FBI(a gestapo agency)despite previous threats that had been made to me at RAM about going to the FBI. The next day after Anita had left for school, I called into work and said I was sick. Then I drove across the river to Oldburg, NJ where the local FBI office was located. I called the FBI from a pay phone to get its exact location and headed directly for the office to see an agent.

I was greeted at the door by agent Bill Blue who then escorted me into his office. We chatted briefly and I found out that agent Blue had a son who worked for RAM. He also informed me that he himself was due to retire from the agency in about a year. I could not see a man in his position being very enthusiastic about what I was going to tell him. I briefly decribed my situation to him while he took notes. He asked me some leading questions that indicated either he had heard the story many times before, or that he knew what I was going to say. Whatever the reason behind agent Blue's questions, they made me feel uncomfortable.

Years later I found out that what was being done to me is not uncommon in Nazi amerika, but that of course, the government keeps it hidden from the people by getting rid of the witnesses. There are a few exceptions like the Karen Silkwood case, but most of us political prisoners just disappear.

On a couple of occasions Agent Blue did say, "Yes, that is definitely illegal, but can you prove it." I told him I had very little written evidence, but that I did have some. When he asked me for a specific example of how I was being harassed, I quickly pointed out the most visible example - the annoying incessant phone calls. He surprised me by saying there was nothing illegal about that! I learned from the phone company that such calls are definitely a violation of FEDERAL Law. Agent Blue's ignorance on that subject was at best suspicious. After about 2 hours of talking with Agent Blue, the discussion concluded with the old "don't call us; we'll call you." I left not felling very encouraged.

How all psychiatrists should be dealt with.
That evening I attended my biweekly session with Dr. Iron. Anita decided to go along because she was beginning to get concerned about his "treatment" of me.

Dr. Iron started immediately. "What did you do today?"

"Oh nothing much," I said. "I cleaned out the garage."

"Is that all?" He asked.

"Yes, that's about all I did today."

His insistence told me he knew I had been to the FBI, but I didn't know how he knew.

"I got a call from agent Blue of the FBI today. Do you know him? Dr. Iron inquired.

"Yes, I went to see him today!"

Anita just about fell off the couch at the revelation, and Dr. Iron noticed her shocked reaction.

"Didn't he tell you he was going to the FBI?" Dr. Iron queried.

"No." Anita answered nervously.

Dr. Iron sat back and continued. "Don't worry. I took care of that. Agent Blue and I had a nice long talk, and I explained to him that Russell has a problem." Then he turned to me and said, "Do you know he has a son who works for RAM?"

"Yes, I know," I said discouragingly.

"Now that we don't have to worry about that anymore, let's go on to something else." He concluded.
It is funny what being tortured does to you. I should have killed the bastard on the spot. Not only was he helping the Nazis murder me, but he was threatening my wife. This is why I truly believe all psychiatrists should be rounded up, taken to the town square and executed. It is so convenient and easy for the Nazi state to label anyone speaking the truth about this Nazi state to be labelled "crazy" by these willing pawns of the tyrants. And, they carry out barbaric and antihuman experiments on people, like Dr. Cameron did for the CIA. Pyschiatrists are truly a sick group!!!!!

In defense of the few decent, ethical psychiatrists, later in my life I did talk to one who was trying to expose the Nazi governments use of the label "mentally ill" to
cover up the amerikan governments crimes against humanity.

And if you ever saw the movie "The Insider" you will learn how the FBI tried to make Jeffery Weingart the villian when he went to the FBI for help with a problem similar to mine. As most poor people already know, gestapo agencies like the FBI, CIA and NSA are just there to protect the interests of the elite, wealthy ruling class. They are not there to solve crimes and bring criminals to justice.

The Nazis now had their perfect cover.
I found this interesting article about a man who claims the Nazis controlled everything in his life while in the US. He also claimed to have been mentally tortured. REALLY. The US Nazi government would do that?
"Iranian scientist Shahram Amiri, who disappeared last year and resurfaced last week in the Pakistani embassy, claims the CIA kidnapped and tortured him mentally and physically.

He recently flew back to Tehran and told reporters, "The Americans wanted me to say that I defected to America of my own will to use me for revealing some false information about Iran's nuclear work. But with God's will, I resisted." He denies being involved in Iran's nuclear program and contends he was working as a researcher at a university.

He also claims, "I have some documents proving that I've not been free in the United States and have always been under the control of armed agents of US intelligence services."

Back to my story:

I left Dr. Iron's home feeling crushed again. I knew that it was unlikely the FBI would take any action against RAM, but the ease with which my complaint was dismissed was depressing and for the first time I began to seriously consider the government as the real source of my problems. I had often suspected that, but now I was certain. Agent Blue seemed like he had been briefed prior to my arrival at his office, and his apparent acceptance of my "mental illness problems" seemed to pat.

My "mental illness" had been so well documented and supported over such a long period of time that it could now be used as an excuse for anything. My mental illness had been made real through official documentation. Of course, that was the original plan that I agreed to in order to keep my career, but as usual, as soon as the subhuman scum Nazis got what they wanted, they went on with their agenda to totally eliminate me. The "mental illness" scenario could be used as an excuse for anything such as my loss of job, divorce and/or my death. The amerikan Nazis government was now in position to finish me off and wipe their bloody hands clean of trial rigging, torture and murder. But because the Nazis are servants of evil there was one thing that they did not count on.

The Rage Grows
My depression continued to grow despite the antidepressant pills. I was becoming more angry and violent prone each day because of my inability to stop my tormentors. Finally one night as I was getting ready for bed I exploded and started yelling at Anita.

"Damn them! They'll never stop torturing me! They will just keep it up until they kill me. Who the hell is behind it?! Who has that much power and is so sick that they would torture someone for over four years?"

Anita was frightened by my rage and she said nothing. Then I turned to her. "You know who is responsible for this. Tell me who it is. I'll kill the son-of-a bitches."

"I don't know what you are talking about," Anita replied timidly.

I became furious and pushed her onto the bed. I was standing over her and yelling, "tell me who it is. You know because you've been helping them. You have to talk to someone," I screamed.

Anita started pleading with me. "I don't know who "they" are. I really don't. Please let me up. I'm scared."

I calmed down long enough to let her up. Then the realization of how violent I was becoming became evident to me and I became concerned for Anita's safety. I calmed down long enough to let he up.

"Maybe I should get a place to stay for awhile so I'm alone and won't hurt anyone." I said in a calm voice.

"Where would you go?" Anita asked.

"I don't know. I can find a room or something until the holidays are over. You know how they like to terrorize me around Christmas. That's part of the scenario they use. If "they" hold true to form, things will improve in January. I can find a place until then."

"Why don't you go to the hospital?" Anita suggested. That comment made me angry again.

"Is that what the high level of harassment is for this time? To get me back in the hospital around the holidays so they can document my illness more and tell me how sick I am?"

NOTE: As I pointed out in previous posts, terrorism is most effective when the source of the terrorism is unknown to the victim. When the terrorists are unidentified, the victim can't stike back directly at the terrorists nor can the victim take actions to defend themselves. In my case, if I had known early on that the amerikan Nazi government was involved, I might have considered moving out of the country as one of the best and first solutions. It was my indoctrinated belief in the lies about the americkan system that kept me here senselessly trying to defuse the situation.

In my previous blog I noted the story about the Iranian scientist who had been kidnapped or lured to the US and then mentally tortured to get him to publically state what the Nazis wanted him to say about the Iranian nuclear program. And all the while he was here, everything was controlled by his captors.

Compare this to what was done to me. I was lured to a position and promised many things initally to keep me there, I was brutally mentally torture so my captors could program my testimony for a Federal trial. And to this day, my captors totally control my environment.

What is most interesting about this is that the Iranian scientist was to be used to do damage to a country identified as an enemy state. I was an amerikan scientist was to be used by the ruling fascists for the ruling elite against the interests of the working class - this is commonly referred to class warfare.

In other words torture is just another useful tool to be used by the Nazi state against anyone for any reason!

Isolated again We continued to discuss the best solution for the immediate problem and finally we decided Anita would move out and would go live with a friend from school until the crisis was over. That would insure her safety and cause the least problems for both of us. The next day Anita packed her books and clothes and left. She left me a phone number where I could reach her, but I did not know where she was going.

That weekend I took our dog to my parents place and left her there. I so afraid that because of the Nazi torture at the holidays that I might go into a fit of rage, kick her and hurt her. I wanted Nuisance, my dog to be safe. I barely talked to my parents because I didn't know what to say. I was being tortured and there was nothingh my parents could do about it.

I left on Sunday evening and headed back home. That evening I got several harassing phone calls where the party on the other end hung up when I answered the phone. In anger I jerked the phone jack out of the wall to stop the calls. I was totally isolated from the outside world. I concluded from the calls they wouldn't stop harassing and terrorizing me until "they" had killed me.

The strange thing about all of this is that the Nazis had all that they needed. They had my signed deposition which could be(and eventually would be) used in their patent infringement lawsuit, and they had a documented history of mental illness to negate anything I might say. But the amerikan Nazis were(and always will be) driven by an insane, obsessive hatred and nothing would extinguish that hatred. I believe that even my death would not have satisfied them. Their obsessive hatred towards me was like that of Hitler's toward the Jews. I was to blame for all of the Nazis problems just like the Jews were to blame for Germany's and his problems. Isn't that always the case for irresponsible people - it's someone elses fault. "The fault is not in the heavens and stars......."

Every day was living hell, and the next week I struggled through each day. I was so depressed I did nothing except eat and sleep. My behavior behavior was becoming more irrational. One evening I went out to a local lounge and went dancing. First, when I was dancing with other women, I got a sense of getting even with Anita for the hell she had helped make out of my life. Second, doing something random like going out danceing, I felt free and non-threatened. On Saturday I took two hundred dollars and went to the race track and lost it all. I had never lost more than about twenty dollars at the track, but the large monetary loss had no meaning to me if I was a dead man anyway. On Sunday I drove up to my parents house to get Nuisance. I missed having her around the house and I wanted her back. However, my parents argued against the idea and I returned home alone. When I got home, I called Anita on the repaired phone and started crying.

Still some want the world to bow to them!
"For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?"
Matthew 16:25-26.The ruling Nazis may go to church and align themselves with Christianity, but there is no way these people are true Christians.

On January 5, 1981 I returned to work. The RAM medical department approved the plan Dr. Padua submitted which called for my working four hours a day for one week followed by a week at six hours a day before I returned to a normal work day. It really didn't matter. After 5 years of brutal mental torture, I would have needed a year of rest to regain my mental and physical health. I was mentally in very bad shape and my only concern on returning to work was that there would be no more harassment. My mental state was very so delicate that I felt any more torture would cause a complete collapse, breakdown or suicide. I came into work and hung my coat and hat on the wall hanger and then went into the laboratory to check the condition of my lab equipment. About an hour later I returned to my office to find my coat on the floor. My hat was still on the wall hook and since the hanger was a single hook, it was impossible for the coat to fall off the hook with the hat hanging over it. I started to tremble and cry. I put on my coat and hat and rushed out of the building to my car and drove home. When I got home, Anita was there and I tried to tell her what had happened, but I was so upset that I wasn't very coherent. Finally, when I was able to get my composure, I told her what had happened. At first she tried to rationalize the incident as an accident, but she quickly realized how absurd her arguments were and then she tried to comfort me. I remained home the rest of the day.

The next day I went into work with greater apprehension. As I walked into the office, there standing in the middle of the room blocking everything was a free-standing coat rack. I quickly took the coat rack and carried it to an adjacent office where I deposited it. I then went back to my desk to try to do some work, but that one incident had ruined my day.

For the next couple of months I remained very depressed and did very little work. The side effects of the medication I was taking were becoming intolerable. One day at work I experienced a minor convulsion similar to the one I had experienced in the hospital. At that point I decided to stop taking the Stelazine medication. The fact that I was on Stelazine the first time when I was terrorized into attempting suicide told me that the medication was useless as long as the external stimuli was there.

The antidepressant I was taking was causing blurry vision and severe constipation. Thus I also quit taking that medication. I believed if the terrorism/mental torture ever stopped and I could find a doctor who really wanted to help me, I would take the appropriate medication.

A natural loss in my life vs a Nazi government created loss.
With everything going so badly, it only seemed appropriate that Nuisance became very sick. Whenever I would get down or needed some solitude, I would take Nuisance for a walk. It always had a soothing effect on me, but in March, 1981 she became sick from what the vetrinarian diagnosed as cancer of the liver. Her health deteriorated rapidly and on April 8 she had to be destroyed. We had owned Nuisance for fourteen years and her death was a great loss. In a normal situation I would have been sad, but my built up anger made it impossible for me to grieve the loss of our pet. What made me even more angry was that I was being tortured so much that I couldn't really feel the loss of something that meant so much to me. In effect, I had become a bit like my torturers in that I couldn't feel things. As I will show later on, my tormentors tried to get me to do despicable acts(sometimes with success), just to convince themselves that all humans are subhuman scum like they are. I think it made them feel good to make their victims act in a base manner like them.
Of course, no one was brutally torturing them; a point that I'm sure escaped them.

The constant harassment and torture had so dominated my life that nothing else seemed important. But with the loss of Nuisance I lost one of the few comforting things in my life that I was still able to enjoy.

I continued to see Dr. Padua, but I was becoming more and more disenchanted with her. Like her predecessors she talked in generalities and whenever I tried to address a specific incident or issue she would sidmiss it as if the topic were trivial. We frequently discussed my wife and Dr. Padua would quickly point out that I should be happy because Anita would soon be going back to work at a higher salary.

"They will never allow me to share in her income. I can't look forward to that," I explained. I don't even know if I'll have a marriage six months from now."

"Why you have lots to look forward to," was her reply.

I knew "they" would not allow me the luxury of having economic relief in the form of two good incomes, and I assumed their solution would be to destroy the marriage to keep me from having the security of my wife's income. But any attempt to carry our a discussion like that would have brought an immediate, "There is no one trying to destroy you."

I just heard on TV tonight that China has a new weapon that can wipe out an amerikan aircraft carrier from long range. I guess there is "good news" if you look for it. Such a weapon if it exists would cancel amerika's domination and terror on the high seas. However, this was on FOX news so it may just be Nazi propaganda designed to keep amerikans in a state of fear and war mongering.

Most amerikans don't realize that the Nazi state uses the media for what they call "misinformation campaigns". That term is a euphemism for PROPAGANDA. In rare cases, the President(RR for one) has had to admit that threats by foreign entities that were propagaded by the media were nothing more than misinformation campaigns.

As my marriage drifts to a close.
By June 1981, I had already sensed another increase in incidences in involving my wife and actions seemed to be directed towards creating animosity between us. I felt there were times when Ursula would start fights or do something just to irritate me and get my emotions flowing. I decided to take Anita with me to the next doctors appointment and address the problem with Dr. Padua. I stated my case and then discussed the issues with Anita. Anita agreed to try not to irritate me so often. I sat there almost laughing at the whole procedure. I believed Anita's actions were deliberate and that she would do whatever "they" told her to do, but to make any suggestion like that would only provide a platform for the doctor to tell how paranoid I was. The following week Anita seemed to do more irritating things than usual as if to flaunt the whole uselessness of going to the psychiatrist to solve my problems. The dissolution of our marriage seemed inevitable.

I lived in a constant state of depression. I was unable to work and I could have been fired for poor job performance at any time. What I didn't realize was that the Nazis wanted me to resign like I did at Gamma Supplies. That would make it clean and simple; it would be my fault. It also appeared that another reason not to fire me was that the Nazis would lose total control of my environment. I was really nothing more that a paid prisoner. And every time I began to pull myself out of the deep depression, some action would be taken that had a crushing effect on me.

Finally, in late June 19881 I decided to strike back again. This time I wanted to do something that would effect other people. I drafted a short letter describing my ordeal since my departure from Gamma Supplies. I then stated that I had no future and would probably be dead in the near future. I then thanked the addressee for his or her participation in the destruction of my life. I found an old mailing list of Gamma Supplies' employees and sent a copy of the letter to everyone on the list. Since the Gamma Supplies' employees had started the destruction of my life for their benefit, I wanted to make sure they knew the final results. But the real motivation came in knowing that "they" didn't want anyone to know anymore about their nefarious, sick deeds than was necessary and updating the Gamma Supplies' employees on my status was sure to irritate them.
I mailed the letters immediately to prevent Anita from finding out about them.

I mean let's face it; if you were as sick and twisted as "they" are, would you want other people to know it? I mean a serial killer doesn't go around broadcasting that he is a serial killer. And as I will demonstrate in a later post, my torturers have the same mentality as serial killers.

Several days later I was in the laboratory when Laura Bushell my new second level manager, Tim Kristofferson walked in.

"We have an emergency in the medical department and we have to go over there right away." Time said.

Note: If you read and learn about mental torture and terrorism, you will learn that the evil doers always try to separate the victim from the torturers as quickly as possible. It is an "out of sight, out of mind" practice. In this case the terrorists at Gamma Supplies could enjoy the fruits of their demented acts without actually seeing what had happened to the victims. It the same idea as pilots and bombers who bomb hospitals and villages with children. They don't see the victims and therefore their is no remorse or internal moral conflict. That is why the psychotic Nazi torturers always moved me about and removed me from areas where the acts had been committed. Sane people would wonder why a human mind would think that way and act that way against innocent, defenseless victims. But in their psychopathic minds, "they" always have a good reason for their actions.

Another Day, Another Crisis
"What's going on?" I asked.

"Never mind. Just stop whatever you're doing and come with us."

I followed them to the medical department. After a short wait, I saw the company doctor.

"We got a call from a Gamma Supplies employee. Apparently you sent him some sort of note, and he thought you were suicidal so he called us." He explained.

"So that is what this is all about," I said somewhat relieved.

The doctor continued. "We called your wife(always beneficial to involve the wife) and she made an appointment to see Dr. Padua immediately. You are to go to the St. Frances Hospital and see Dr. Padua right away."

With that brief explanation, I was escorted to the door. As I drove to St. Francis, I kept thinking about how I was going to be confined to the hospital again. Suicidal tendencies is grounds for involuntary confinement. My fears were not realized, but Dr. Padua argued strongly for voluntary confinement so she could "treat" me. I refused to go in voluntarily and she finally relented. As I was leaving her office she asked, "Why did you send the letter?"

"Maybe I was trying to raise the level of some people's conscience. Not everyone is a psychopath, you know."

Dr. Padua just gave me a dirty look. I had survived another crisis.

NOTE: One of the common questions asked me is why would ordinary people do these things to you? My wife is a good example of, "why would she do it?" The answer can be found in the famous studies of Dr. Stanley Millgram titled "Obedience to Authority." Dr. Millgram and others showed that people will do whatever they are told to do as long as someone who is recognized as an authority figure gives the command. The common reaction to that statement is "I wouldn't do that." But the truth is you would, especially if your family, kids, career and other things you value can be destroyed by the authority figure. For real life examples of this you can read about the previous Nazi empire in "Hitler's Willing Executioners: Ordinary Germans and the Holocaust" - by Daniel Jonah Goldhagen. This shows the evil that lurks in all of us and it demonstrates how political movements and agendas, such as the current right-wing nationalistic movement in the U.S. can bring the evil to the surface. I just read today where some church wants to hold a book burning event and burn the Koran(Quran). While these people may be a minority, they still are potentially Hilter's willing executioners

More Nazi Terrorism.
There were more department changes at work, and Jim Connors was officially announced as a second level manager. At the same time, Jim was also made the acting first level manager of a newly created department. Since Jim was serving as both first and second level manager, it meant that he would be seeking a new manager to take over his first level duties. Just the thought of a management opening caused me to become depressed because I knew their would be more suggestions and implied promises that would be made to me about the new manager of the department. I knew I couldn't go through that scenario again. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that "they", the sick bastards that they are, would get tired of mentally torturing me and my life would return to a normal state.

I was extremely depressed and becoming suicidal again. The harassment was daily and there was at least one episode per day. I had no social life and no contact with anyone outside of work other than Anita. In fact, I was totally surprised one day when one of my co-workers, John came into my office and hand delivered a notice for a professional meeting to be held the following week.

"I haven't been getting these notices lately," I commented.

"Well, this should be a pretty good meeting. The speaker is excellent." John replied.

"I thought you usually mailed these notices. What happened? Did you run out of stamps?"

"No, we just got the notice printed too late to mail them so I'm hand deliverying them," John answered.

I didn't think much more about it and went back to work. Later that day before I left the office, I went to check my mail. There in my mailbox was the same meeting notice with a cancelled stamp. The notices had been mailed as usual. I was just another one of those inconsistncies that were common in my life. Such incidences created further depression and made it impossible for me to believe even the most trivial things people said to me. And of course, relating such an event would make me look paranoid.

I had been harassed so long by annoying phone calls that I was now afraid to answer the phone. Most of the time I would just let the phone ring. But now I noticed a new phenomenon. Whenever I picked up the phone to make a call, the dial tone caused me to have a severe reaction. The buzzing sound caused me to become fearful and my adrenalin would begin to flow. After years of answering the phone and only hearing a dial tone, I was conditioned and sensitized to the point that the mere sound of the dial tone caused a reaction.

That evening, I conveyed my new awarness of my reaction to the dial tone to my wife. As usual, she said nothing. However, the next day at work the phone rang and I decided to answer it. This time there was no one on the other end of the line, but instead of the usual dial tone, there was complete silence. From then on, whenever I did answer the phone and the party hung up, instead of a dial tone, there was silence. Again there was the implied participation of my wife, but there was nothing that I could prove. In addition, in my highly confused state, I tried to think of some reason for the change. I was too mentally screwed up to just accept it as continued harassment and terrorism.

More about which to get depressed.
I began to notice that everyone around me seemed to be getting smarter! This was most noticeable when I talked with Pat Clover, my former manager. I had always considered Pat to be rather slow and he did not have great verbal fluency. However, now when I talked with Pat, I was amazed at how alert and mentally sharp he seemed. It was like he was a new person. I found this true of other people too. What I didn't realize was that my own mental capacity was greatly diminished from all of the psychological and mental torture to which I had been subjected for so many years. This decrease in mental capability is common in cases of menticide(mental torture). At the time however, I interpretted this decrease in my own mental capacity as an increase in the mental capacity of the people around me. I found it depressing that I was intellectually inferior.

As I stated, loss of intellectual functioning is quit common in cases of mental torture and some studies have reported around a 50% decrease in other victims. In my case, the extreme loss of mental capacity was documented by my therapists. In February 1983, after I had left the RAM environment, I was given a simple psychiatric evaluation. During that particular evaluation, I could not repeat in sequence 5 single digits that had been read to me. I had been give the same test in the fall of 1978, shortly after joining RAM. At that time I was able to repeat 11 digits FORWARD AND BACKWARDS after the digits had been read to me. I may have been able to do more, but the tester stoppedf at 11 digits when he decided there was nothing wrong with my intellect. The average person can repeat 7 digits FORWARD (a telephone number) and 5 digits backwards. The test results of going from 11 digits backwards to not being able to do 5 digits forward clearly demonstrate how brutally I had been tortured. That is why I say "God damn amerika". Fortunately, one's mental capacity slowly returns at least to some degree when the victims is free from constant brutal torture.

Just when things seemed their worst, improvements in my environment occurred. First I was given a performance appraisal. I went into the meeting with great apprehension because I knew I had not done any significant work in the past six months. Whatever performance rating I received, I knew it would be what "they" wanted it to be. Laurie Bushell, one of my many former managers, gave me the performance review and to my surprise, she gave me a rating which stated I "consistenly exceeded the requirements of the job in all key areas." Even though the rating was phoney, I was thrilled. Not only did the rating mean I would not be fired, but the rating also had to be approved by my current manager Jim Connors, since he was Laurie's second level manager too. Thus according to the rules at RAM, I was safe for another year. Although I knew I was never truly safe, it meant that "they" were not ready to get rid of me yet.